October 17, 2013

Are You a Yeller?

Mom or Dad, Are You a Yeller? Better Bite that Tongue

Kids who are yelled at by their parents are more likely to have depression and behavior problems, a new study in Child Development finds. This is no surprise, so why do a study? I think we need studies like this so that academics can remind us parents to take our jobs seriously. I know that I do.

Words cut deeply- particularly the words that flow from a parent’s mouth to a child- whether that child is 6 or 66. We listen to what our parents say to us because this is how we figure out who we are. We are wired this way from birth. As young children we scour our parents’ faces to figure out if they like what we are wearing, if they think the picture we colored is good enough or if they like how fast we run on the soccer field. If they communicate that they like what they see, then we believe we are good. If they never pay attention or berate us, then we believe we are no good. That’s how simple life is for a child. Even as adults, we never stop listening to our parents, because we are connected to them by a need-based love.

So when a parent screams at a child, the pain cuts deeply. Some parenting experts say that kids don’t hear parents scream because they tune them out. I completely disagreed. Kids hear alright, they just pretend not to hear because they simply don’t know what to do with the hurt.

Parents yell at their kids for two reasons. First, do so in an attempt to get their kids to listen. If children are strong-willed, defiant or have bad attention issues and never listen, parents amp up the volume to make them hear. Since they feel that nothing else gets their kids’ attention, they resort to yelling. Second, many parents yell because they can’t control their own anger. When we are tired, irritated and overwhelmed, yelling comes easily. We don’t yell at coworkers, our boss or even other adults. We take it out on the easiest targets- kids who know they shouldn’t yell back. And that’s just not fair.

I frequently hear adults complain about how kids talk. Teenagers swear at school and berate their teachers to their faces. Even young children will mouth off at adults. I recently had a 15 year old girls from a private school come up to me after a lecture I gave and insist that I didn’t know what I was talking about. We all interface with rude kids frequently. They may not raise their voices, but they know how to use words to jab when they want to. So we need to do something about this.

We parents need to get hold of our tongues. When we say things like “you’re lazy, worthless or won’t amount to anything” to kids, they become mean and depressed. Some of us aren’t that blatant but cut our kids down in more subtle ways. We yell at them to do their chores, use a tone which communicates that we believe they’re lazy or maybe we swear at them. When it comes to being nasty, we can get mighty creative.

James tells us that if we get control of the way we talk, then we acquire control over our entire bodies. This is extraordinary. I love that he compares us to horses. Put a bit in their mouths and you control the whole beast. I know that I can be a beast.

He goes on to say in chapter 3: 5, “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.”

Could it be that we can start fires in our children by saying mean things or yelling at them? I believe so. Words are that strong. And if that is true, so is the converse. If we are respectful, firm and kind to our kids, we can put fires out in their hearts. Could it be that many of the problems we experience with our kids stem from the way we talk to them? I think so.

So let’s listen to our pal James. This week try an experiment. Refuse to yell in your home- at your kids, your spouse or another loved one. Use only a respectful tone and refuse to say mean things to anyone in your family. Watch to see what happens to your kids’ moods- and to your’s as well. I bet you’ll be surprised.

33 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing! This was a very relevant blog post and challenge!

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  2. very good article, sharing on my facebook :)

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  3. I really needed this. I have been praying for God to give me patience with myself and to extinguish my tendancy to yell and become easily angered. I truly hate this. I was always yelled at as a child and the hurt tremendously affected my life, so why do I do it to my own child? I am so desperate to break the pattern! I see the pain and confusion in my son's eyes when I yell at him and immediately feel remorse, but the damage is done and ends up being repeated. I will definitley meditate on the words of James this week and continue to pray and make the conscious effort to bite my tongue. Prayers are greatly appreciated!

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    1. Praying for you dear mom. Please pray for me too. We are identical in our situations. You are not alone and I would covet your prayers as I know you will mine.

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    2. I pray for you. I am in the same boat. please pray for me as well

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    3. You are not alone... I too need help with this.

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    4. in the same boat,lets all pray for each other.

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    5. Feeling inadequate and deep depressions have been with me as long as I can remember. I heard you'll never amount to anything more than I love you.

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    6. I too have been convicted by this article. I hate yelling at my kids and I don't like knowing how it hurts them. It brings me to tears. My children are my world. I agree we should all pray for each other.

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  4. I wish I could take back the times I yelled at my kids. Undo the damage I might have done. Now I can only apologise and teach my kids not to yell at their kids.

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  5. This article s really a big help to me.Wen i was with my children,i didn't just yell but also beat them specially my eldest who was just 2 years old that time.that action of mine s a result of great disapointment nd frustration n my married life.Now,that i workd far from them nd i could not even see them for years,i realized how mean i was as a mother.But thanks to the loving grace of our almighty father since He made me realize my mistakes while it's not yet late.your article s such a big help.mag God continue to work on my life so that wen i will be w/ my children,i can be the best mom that will help them to be a good christian men..

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  6. i myself struggle with this. even this past day! Lord Jesus, i cry out right now for all of us mothers! Lord help us become more like you! Jesus give us a love and patience for our children like never before! forgive us Jesus of the destructive behaviors we have displayed and taught our children! Jesus you are our father, teach us oh God how to properly raise our babies! right now I speak against the spirit of anger and the spirit of anxiety in Jesus name! may strongholds and bonds be loosed and generational curses be broken in Jesus name! God help us to raise up spiritially healthy children!!! we love you Jesus and we acknowledge we cannot do this without you. Thank you for your mercy and your love for us Lord Jesus! I pray in Jesus name amen!

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  7. I called my daughter lazy today. I was so angry and ugly. So opposite of what god is to me. He revealed to me that I need to be love to her. I repented to her, but now comes the hard part....doing this. I'm so scared that I have damaged her.

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  8. How do you change? I've prayed about this for years, I've tried, but I've only gotten worse. It's like going on a diet, my intentions are good, until I'm tempted. At that moment I completely justify everything. I have 4 kids, I'm a yeller & I talk snarky. I don't even know why I'm this way. My mom, who was my main parent, though my father was in the home, did not yell. What can I do to delay my response long enough to be rational? Maybe I need to put in a mouth guard that has to be removed before I can speak..... Please pray for me, this is heavy on my heart...I've even turned my husband into a yeller....

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    1. Change isn't easy but it starts with giving yourself different messages. You believe that you can't change. That's what your saying here and probably every time you yell at your children you beat yourself up afterwards. I know I have. However, the Bible says that the tongue has the power of life or death and that is for you as well as your children. What do you tell yourself? You're a yeller? Start replacing that message with "I have the ability to communicate well with my children in any circumstance" "I have the ability and desire to build my children up with my words" "I have the ability to figure out what frustrates me and make changes to prevent those frustrations". These are just a few positive affirmations I will use. You can come up with your own. Romans 12 says "do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind". If the world, in some way, through your life, has made you believe that you are a yeller, then start listening to what God says about you. All things are possible with God, Christ died for you, you are wonderfully and fearfully made and so are your children. God can change hearts and minds but we must accept these new ways of thinking and allow them to permeate and replace the old ways. So you recite positive affirmations about what kind of parent you are every day for 30 days and I'll do the same and lets see if we don't become what God intended for us and for our children. It will take longer than 30 days but it's a start. you and I are not yet the people we want to be but time is our friends and everyday we can grow closer to becoming that person. His mercies are new every morning so let's take advantage of that. I will pray for you.

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  9. This really spoke to me today. What a great God we serve to give us gold nuggets like this at the time we are struggling the most with these very issues. I have yelled out of anger many times and yelled because that seemed to be the only way to get them to listen. Thank you for this timely challenge.

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  10. I believe this because I yeller and I was raised in a yelling home. The more patient you are the better the atmosphere.
    I really enjoyed reading this as a reminder. Thank you for sharing it.

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  11. Perfect timing to read this!

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  12. There was a very good point that was made in the article about the reasons we yell, one being we have a child that doesn't seem to listen so we amp up the volume. That was me. I wanted to be heard. My daughter had ADD as well as other issues, and now she's an adult with depression and other mental health issues. I always thought I was a good Mom, and I love my kids more than anything in this world. I hope my shortcomings didn't contribute to my daughter's current mental health problems. But if so, I ask for forgiveness.

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  13. I love this article! I try so hard not to yell, and it usually only happens in frustration, which does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. It is not pleasing to Him, does not glorify Him. The Holy Spirit's fruit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Praying that I can live by the Spirit.

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  14. This is a great article. Something that helps with curbing parental behavior is called conscious discipline. It teaches parents how to control our own emotions, recognize the way we were raised, and model age appropriate parenting. It is phenominal as I tend to be a yeller myself

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  15. This rends my heart to tears. As a yeller, daughter of a screamer, I can see the damage in my grown children, whom I have always loved with all my heart, and now pay the price. Gratefully, I have found some redemption as I can do better with my grandchildren, loving them with a much gentler spirit.

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  16. Thank you for this article. Such a great reminder that our actions have an impact on our children's lives.

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  17. Part 1
    For starters, I did not escape emotional and verbal abuse until my mid 50’s. I was yelled at all of my life by older siblings and parents. It destroyed me. I was always depressed and as being one depressed, I became an easy prey to bullies and bad people. Being I was so use to being yelled and screamed at, I did not know what normal was, so my friendships and relationships were filled with more abusive people who abused me with either words or physical attacks.
    I went through very bad 2 marriages where I was physically, mentally and spiritually abused. I was a rape victim and almost lost my life, but being the shattered soul that I was, no one believed me, not even many in my own family. The rape haunts my soul to this day. If one person had stood by my side, I believed I would have gotten through it all better.
    My parents use to boast on how they never spanked, but a beating would have been better than the constant yelling and screaming about how worthless that I was. If I was not being yelled at, I was often put on a guilt trip. According to my family, everyone's problems were my fault, even their physical problems. This went on since I can remember as a young child.

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  18. Part2
    I did poorly in school and suffered from depression as well as suffered many physical problems. Because of my emotional state, I rarely spoke up for myself when I was wronged or bullied, so in my schooling and in my employment I was often a scapegoat. I suffered from horrible anxiety and panic attacks and would find myself trembling in fear in front of teachers, principals, bosses and co-workers.
    When I did poorly in school, my parents yelled and screamed that I was lazy, but they never sat down to help me with my homework. If I had just a tiny bit of help each day, I am sure I would not have suffered so much in school.
    My life has been a disaster, but most could have been avoided if only my family loved me enough to not yelled and screamed at me. I am totally worthless to myself and the world, because I can’t work, I do not have a decent skill that I am confident about. I gave up having a career because as I stated before, abused people tend to always get abused because the circle of abuse never stops.
    After the death of my parents a few years ago, I stopped associating with my family and cut all ties. I am finally seeing glimmers of happiness, something I did not know until a couple of years ago when I separated myself from the abuse. I did not know what it felt like to be happy.

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  19. Part 3
    I did go to counseling for years and years but each time I mentioned the abuse from my family, I was told to not blame my problems on my family. This is common advice counselors give, but what I really needed to hear was that it was OK to separate myself from my family. I was bought up by a close knit family. Even though it was a dysfunctional family, we were raised to never leave our parent’s side. I did not hear the advice that it was OK to leave, so I lingered around my family until my emotional state was almost beyond repair. The counselors telling me to not blame my family only caused me to have more confusion because the abuse of my family was the cause of my mental health problems. Thankfully I realized this on my own and I am no longer the victim of abusive people. I am recovering. I would not have recovered if I was still lingering around abusive people. When I was physically abused by ex husbands, I was told it was OK to leave them but no one ever told me it was OK to leave my verbally abusive family so I was never able to really heal. For the longest time, I did not see my family as abusive or dysfunctional. I was taught that I was the problem so I spent my life believing that. It was when I was middle age that I realized that no matter what I did for them, or how good I was, nothing was ever going to be good enough for them. Trust me, I went out on a limb in trying to please my family only to be knocked down over and over again.

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  20. Part 4
    Parents, please listen to what I just said because what I am saying is true. The last thing you want is a child to grow into middle age all messed up due to your screaming, yelling and abuse. Please do not allow the siblings to treat each other bad. They do not ever grow out of if if they are not taught how wrong it is.
    I loved my parents but many times I feel I would have been better off in the hands of a loving family. I use to ask my mother when she was in one of her screaming moods why didn't she abort me or give me to someone who loved me. She claimed she loved me but something was terribly wrong with her as well as my family. I was once suicidal but I am OK now.
    Please love your children. Disciple is necessary, but please do it right. I suggest James Dobson’s book, "Dare to Discipline" as a valuable reference and handbook on discipling the right way. Please treat your children well, so they won't grow up as a failure like me.

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  21. Part 5 and the end...
    Never discipline when you are angry. Words are quick and easy to spew out when you are mad, but the damage might take a lifetime for a child to over come. If you use spanking as a way of punishment, please do not spank or hit when you are angry. I was spanked a few times times in my life by my parents, but it was only when they were very angry and it was so unnecessary. The times that I needed a spanking, I did not get one. Spankings should be reserved for when a child does something which might cost them their life, like running out in front of a car. Even then, do not beat, but always discipline with a calm heart and let them know that they are loved, always. Never allow the sun to go down without telling your children how much you love them. Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath, forgiveness is continuous and should be exercised daily.
    Please educate yourselves on proper discipline. Even though Dr James Dobson is a christian, his advice is valuable and will work in non christian household. I raised my kids by his book and I thank God that they are OK.
    Listen to this author! She is right on and I am so happy that she is uncovering a very serious problem that is going on in our families today.

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  22. Thank you for this article

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  23. Thank you for this encouraging reminder. The Orange rhino blog has helped me tremendously with my yelling problem. I encourage you all to check it out. :)

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  24. ok, it is good to identify the problem, how it can be solve, can they give solutions easy to apply. I do have the problem of yelling, I don't yell insulting my children, or telling them nasty stuff, I yell just a sound or when I call their names when they don't listen. Are they talking about just the loud voice or the use of disrespectful wording as well? Can someone explain this to me please?

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  25. I am a mother of 5 grown kids and 6 grandkids. I now have custody of 2 of my grandkids. My youngest daughter is 18 so its like I am having to start over again raising kids. I am 50yrs old and it is so hard and stressful on me and my husband when we come home from work and have to take care of 2 young girls. My patience and nerves are so bad I will catch my self yelling at them. No I don't say any thing ugly to them but its like they just don't listen unless I do yell. I always regret it but like you said once its done you can't take it back. I would appreciate all the prayers I can get with this.

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